LUMPER.AI Raises $420M Pre-Seed at $69B Valuation

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
December 12, 2024

The Future of Freight Has Been Funded

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — LUMPER.AI, the world's first and only provider of quantum-enhanced autonomous cognitive robotic lumper services, today announced the close of a $420 million pre-seed funding round at a $69 billion valuation.

The round was led by Andreessen Horowitz's ai16z fund (their fund specifically for AI companies with names that end in vowels), with participation from:

SoftBank Vision Fund 3 (they're back, baby)
Tiger Global (they invested via a Zoom call that lasted 47 seconds)
Sequoia Capital (they saw "AI" in the pitch deck)
Y Combinator (we applied as a joke and they said yes)
Elon Musk (he thought we were something else)
A16Z Crypto (wrong a16z, but they insisted)
Several Sovereign Wealth Funds (they asked to remain anonymous)
Your Mom (she believes in us)

A Message from Our CEO

"Today marks an inflection point not just for LUMPER.AI, but for the entire $847 trillion global logistics industry. When we started this company in my garage three months ago, we had a simple vision: what if moving pallets was really, really complicated? And what if it cost a lot more money?

This funding validates that vision. With $420 million in pre-seed capital, we are now fully resourced to continue not generating revenue while dramatically expanding our team of PhD researchers who are definitely working on something."

— Chad Tensorson, Founder & CEO, LUMPER.AI

Why Investors Are Excited

The Market Opportunity

The global lumper services market is valued at approximately $12 billion annually. However, by applying AI, machine learning, quantum computing, and aggressive pricing strategies, we project we can expand our Total Addressable Market (TAM) to $847 trillion by 2027.

This projection is based on the following assumptions:

Every company with a warehouse will want cognitive lumper services
Those that don't will be disrupted
New warehouses will be built specifically for our robots
Non-warehouse businesses will build warehouses just to use us
Residential homes will add warehouses
Each warehouse will have infinite pallets

What Sets Us Apart

"I've seen a lot of pitch decks in my career. A lot. And I've never seen one with this many buzzwords per slide. The average was 47.3 buzzwords per slide, peaking at 89 on the technology overview. That's when I knew we had to invest."

— Marc Andreessen, General Partner, a]16z (probably)

"The team showed us a demo where a robot picked up a box and put it on a shelf. But the way they described it—'autonomous cognitive freight disambiguation via neuromorphic tensor manipulation'—that's when we wired the money."

— Masayoshi Son, SoftBank Vision Fund (allegedly)

Use of Funds

The $420 million will be allocated as follows:

Category	Allocation	Notes
R&D	12%	Actual research and development
Marketing	35%	Podcast sponsorships, thought leadership content
Office Space	18%	We need a really impressive office for investor visits
Talent	20%	Hiring engineers from companies that actually work
Legal	5%	For when things go wrong
Snacks	4%	Top-tier snacks only
Misc	3%	NFTs? TBD
Reserve	3%	Emergency buzzword consulting

Team Expansion

With this funding, we are immediately hiring for the following roles:

Chief Buzzword Officer (CBO) — Responsible for maintaining buzzword density across all communications
VP of Synergy — Ensuring all departments are synergizing at maximum capacity
Head of Thought Leadership — Writing LinkedIn posts that go viral
Director of Quantum Relations — Managing our partnership with D-Wave (they don't know about this yet)
Pallet Whisperer — Communicating with pallets on an emotional level
Greg Wrangler — Managing Greg

We are also expanding our engineering team to 500 employees, up from our current team of 3 (plus Greg, who we're still trying to figure out).

Competitive Landscape

Some have asked how we compare to traditional lumper services. Here is an objective analysis:

Capability	Traditional Lumpers	LUMPER.AI
Cost per pallet	$25	$2,499
Valuation	$0	$69,000,000,000
Press mentions	0	847 (projected)
TED Talks	0	3 (scheduled)
AI	No	Yes
Employees named Greg	Unknown	1 (too many)

What This Means for the Industry

The traditional lumper industry should be very concerned. We are not just building a company; we are building a movement. A movement toward:

Higher prices for logistics services
More complexity in simple operations
Unprecedented buzzword density in supply chain management
Quantum entanglement (we're still figuring this one out)

Investor Quotes

"When LUMPER.AI presented their vision of charging $8,750 to move a single pallet, I knew this was the future. The audacity. The confidence. That's what we invest in."

— Anonymous Tiger Global Partner

"I don't fully understand what they do, but the pitch deck had a lot of gradients and the font was very futuristic. That's usually a good sign."

— Anonymous VC Associate

"They said 'AI' forty-seven times in a thirty-minute presentation. That's a new record. We had to invest."

— Anonymous Seed Investor

Looking Ahead

With this funding secured, LUMPER.AI is positioned to:

Launch commercial operations (Q3 2025, maybe Q4, probably 2026)
Expand to new markets (starting with markets that don't ask too many questions)
Achieve AGI (Artificial General Intelligence for pallets, specifically)
Go public (via SPAC, if those are still a thing)
Colonize Mars (warehouses will be needed there too)

About LUMPER.AI

LUMPER.AI is a venture-backed autonomous cognitive freight systems company headquartered in San Francisco, with satellite offices in "stealth mode." Founded in 2024, the company has raised $420 million in pre-seed funding at a $69 billion valuation. LUMPER.AI's mission is to make pallet movement as complicated and expensive as possible.

Media Contact:
press@lumper.ai
(Please only serious inquiries. Greg, stop emailing us.)

Investor Relations:
ir@lumper.ai
(We are not currently fundraising. Unless you want to give us money.)

Forward-Looking Statements

This press release contains forward-looking statements, including statements about our future financial performance, market opportunity, product capabilities, and ability to charge unreasonable amounts for simple services. These statements are based on our current expectations and assumptions, which may be wildly optimistic. Actual results may differ materially from these forward-looking statements due to various factors, including but not limited to: competitors figuring out what we're doing, customers realizing they don't need quantum computing to move boxes, Greg, regulatory changes, the laws of physics, and the general realization that this is all a bit much.